The Pain a Picture Brings
Earlier this year, my wife surprised me with cookies that told me I was going to be a dad. As soon as she told me, I was overwhelmed with gratitude because there was nothing in life that I desired more than to be a dad. I remember hugging her with tears of joy running down my face. We were both excited as we began to plan for this new season. We put together lists of items that we would need or want for the baby as well as activated our “pregnancy budget.” To say we were elated about being parents would be an understatement. However, on April 5th, things took a turn. It was early that Sunday morning that we rushed to the hospital to receive the devastating news that we had a miscarriage. While this is crushing news in of itself, what made this more heartbreaking for us both is that I couldn’t be in the ER room with my wife as she received the news from the doctor due to Covid-19 hospital restrictions. I had to wait in the car praying for the best, while fearing the worst. I attempted to console my wife over FaceTime but words weren’t enough. How do you console your wife over FaceTime from the pain of hearing that you lost your child? She was eventually released and we were able to cry in each other’s arms. Thoughts that went through my mind at the time were: God, why us? Why bless us with the joy of pregnancy later to miscarry? Why does this have to happen to us? Was there something that we did wrong? Could it have been Covid related? What led to this? Later I realized that it wasn’t up to me to know or figure out the answers to those questions. Even in the midst of pain, I’ve learned 6 valuable lessons that have helped me cope with the loss of our child.
1. In life you can’t choose the storms you go through, but you can choose your source in those storms. In this season, I have been able to see and experience how reliable God’s strength is. A song by Richard Smallwood called Total Praise has given me strength in this season. It states, “You are the source of my strength, you are the strength of my life. I lift my hands in total praise to you.”
2. God uses people to serve people. During this season of life, we have been absolutely blessed by the people who chose to walk alongside this journey with us. They have provided us with an outpouring of love, a safe place for vulnerability, and a great deal of hope. You all know who you are. Our lives are richer because of you.
3. Don’t allow your pain to prevent you from fulfilling your purpose. Although we were hurting, my wife and decided that we were still created to serve and we weren’t going to stop doing that. Although it’s challenging, it’s extremely rewarding. Seeing God move through us is only reflective of the work He has done and continues to do in us. We have our moments and days that are harder than others but due to life being slower, we’ve been using this time to process our pain and lead ourselves through it.
4. Sometimes the tools you learn in one season will be practiced in another. Since starting therapy a year ago, I have grown stronger mentally and emotionally. Therapy has certainly served me well in previous seasons but I could not imagine going the grief of our miscarriage without practical application to maintain a healthy lifestyle.
5. Find the win in the wind. Living here in Oklahoma, one thing you notice immediately when you step outside is the wind and how disrespectful it can be. I mean this wind simply wasn’t raised right and has no manners or regard for human life. But the truth is, although the winds can bring discomfort and inconvenience, each day there is a win to celebrate. For me, a win each day is that I get to come home or stay home (quarantine life) with my amazing wife. No matter what direction the wind blows in your life, find the win in the wind. Wins can be making it home safe, getting things accomplished at work, connecting with someone, having a great encounter with a stranger, or my favorite, someone giving you “the wave” after letting them into your lane in traffic(this fills my heart with happiness). Recognizing wins in each day has allowed my heart to be postured at the pool of gratitude.
6. Lead your pain and live your purpose. Don’t try to isolate your pain from your life or the things you are trying to accomplish. Your pain is inclusive of your story. Every detail of your story is important and has value. Own your pain. We all have emotions. We all have thoughts. We all have feelings. Don’t live in your pain instead lead your pain. Live in your purpose not your pain.
Miscarriages aren’t something that I heard much about growing up and even in my adult years. Through experiencing our own, we’ve learned that miscarriages are more common than people think but something that many people don’t talk about. Now I can certainly see why. It’s hard. It’s emotional. For me, it is still hard especially on a day like Father’s Day. I encourage you all that no matter what you’re going through, don’t choose to go through it alone. God often uses people in our lives as avenues for us to receive love, hope, care, and peace. Sometimes, these things can come from complete strangers. Don’t choose isolation choose integration. Don’t do life alone.